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Thickness and Thinning

November 18, 2013

Once I was able to get to a place in my life where I realized I could not simply wish away the MS. Wishing thinking right? For the first year or so I need think I could make it go away and then I realize that wasn’t possible.

I am not complacent about my sitation. I am proactive about making sure I rest and have learned how to pare back my schedule to fit wiht my “new” lifestyle. I am grateful I have a natural gift to plan because living with MS requires planning. It requires me to think about my day and what I can manage on that way and what I can’t. It requires flexiblity. This less comfortable for me, however I am finding my way and have really had a chance to practice this over the past three plus years.

Do I still feel grief? Absolutely. I comes and goes. Being around people who are really active and lead busy lives can be a deep reminder of the loss I feel yet I am more at ease with this and I hope it will continue to be less painful for me over time.

In the beginning everything felt so big and scary. I thought any sign of a health issue meant I was going to have a relapse. I was terrified. Now I can see that is not the case. This is why I have labelled this blog post Thickness and Thinning. As I get more comfortable with my new life and accept how it has changed I feel less sacred and less worried.

The last little speed bump of vertigo only lasted at its peak state less than a week. Although I was fearful about how it would unfold there was also a calmness because vertigo has become familiar so it is not a tragedy. It’s like a little mini storm that may last a day or my turn into a flood but knowing it can go either way means it possible it won’t set me back to far for too long. That means there is space for hopefulness in my life. I am grateful to see it through this lens.




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