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Long Road Home

October 7, 2012

Do you know how many times I nave wanted to write a new posting over the four months?

Actually, part of me has and part of me hasn’t. It’s taking a long time to heal from the last relapse which lasted three months. On the heals of my body started to bounce back, I have acquired a sinus cold that at times makes my head feel like a rocket ship. The sinus thing is hanging on for its dear life as my acupuncturist diligently needles me every week hoping there will be progress. I feel hopeful until my head blasts off again.

Have you noticed how every physical discomfort when there is MS in the body feels way more intense? Too bad it wasn’t that way for in the physical pleasure department:).

The power of relapse #3 since I was diagnosed in two years ago is how it impacts my decisions about how I do my life. This part of things isn’t so bad, in fact it’s good. Why is that? Well, because I am more in reality with my life now. I am more true to myself now than ever – for better or for worse.

I’ve really had to look at what is important to me. It has nudged me to ask for help more often even if it goes against my independent, I can do it myself nature – aka fear of rejection.

My life situation has helped me to appreciate what I do have in my life more and do my best to let go of what is not working for me like paying more than half of what I make post taxes towards my rent, live alone and feeling isolated when I feel crappy and when I feel at my best.

It’s confirmed that crying is freedom and part of the essential nutrients of life. This includes tears of joy as well as tears of sadness. That Friday night at home alone start of lonely but then I usually get over it and get on with my night. By the time I go to bed, I feel like I have done something to nurture my spirit. Right now I am enjoying a bowl of homemade soup which I started making at 5:00 pm after coming home exhausted with a bunch of groceries. As part of that event, I watched a movie and listened to a CD I haven’t cracked open in years – The Smashing Pumpkins – Adore.

So what are my big decisions? Well, I am moving into a great house with a woman who I get along famously with. The townhouse is surrounded by nature which feeds my soul. I will have a roommate to share daily events with when we are both around. I am created an online course so I can work from home – I even have a few students already signed up for it.

Because I am presently single (by choice), I go to bed when I want, I nap or rest when I need to and listen to music I want to. Some of this may change a little when I move into my new living space. I will be on new terrain. It will take time for me to find my way. You know what, I am looking forward to that too.

Hopefully everyone who reads this post has a big dream or two they wish for and are working towards. For me, it’s the dream of living episode free. It’s possible. I know of others who do. It didn’t happen right away. It was a long road, yet somehow through letting go of resisting their life circumstances finding a way to make favourable choices that their heart, body and soul responded to, they have been able to stabilize their body and calm their system so it could restore itself.

This meant things like not working, resting, changing their diet, exploring alternative healing options and loving themselves more fully.

I would equate it to a restoration or the likes of a self rebirth. Life as it is never stays the same yet when something drastic happens its impact can be great. Scary. Life changing in unexpected ways.

I have to admit, the unexpected has rarely be my friend of past. With the coming of MS there is lots of unexpected experiences. Disappointments and discouragement. Out the outside the world shrinks as the abilities shrink. What I have discovered is if you let it, the world expands. It times time, it’s not an overnight journey or a long weekend get away. From my experience the grief had to get to a place where I felt literally crazy first before my world could own. All I could see is how narrow it was becoming. I was scared shitless.

I still enter back into the dark narrowing world – I think that is normal – yet I am learning how to access the expanding inner world. This is the part that I would like to celebrate with you.

 

 

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