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Getting Through Grief

May 1, 2012

I didn’t realize how intense my grieving process was until I started to move through it. I knew the grief was there but until it major started to shift, I wasn’t aware of how crazy I really felt inside.

In the beginning and for some time, I though I was going to die. After talking my ex-partner and recently making amends around how I dealt with our break up, I became clear that there were times where a felt crazy. I apologized to her for being a crazy monster at during our 10 month break up. I didn’t remember some of the things I had said in my process to push her away. We were both in a state of trauma and so it is understandable that we both felt very triggered not only by my diagnosis of MS, the fear of the future and my health, but also by the fact that nothing was making any sense to either of us. It’s like we were treading water indefinitely.

It’s been less than two months since I noticed the shift in my grief. I have to admit I still feel sad about not having my ex-partner in my life. Maybe some day that will change or if it doesn’t then maybe someday the sadness will lift and it’s importance that I hold presently will shift to simple acceptance.

I realize that my life will go on no matter what. It may change form, I may be able to do more or do less. I don’t really know. What I know right now is I feel more optimism than I have in a long time. Yes, I’m still scared. Scared about being able to support myself, scared I won’t live the dreams I had before I was diagnosed, and scared about the unpredictablility of having MS in my body.

Yet I know that I am loved and people – both friend and family would help me if I was in need. I will always have a home even if it’s not what I imagined. There is comfort wedge between each fear. Truth is, I do my best not to think about the fears or when I do, I try my best to acknowledge them and then move on.


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  1. Bran permalink

    Reading what you wrote was like reliving my own life. Thank you for your vulnerability, love and caring.

  2. Yes, I’m sure others may be able to relate.

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