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Choices Are Now Bigger

February 19, 2012

My nature has been one of restlessness or busy-ness since I was a little kid. I asked me mom if I was attention deficit when I was young and she said “no you were just a busy kid, always doing something.”

This seems to be true now. The challenge is I just can’t manage to do all the things I did before because of the lower energy I expereince. This is frustrating and I think I need ot dive into some grief work and acceptance around where I am at with my dissapppointment.

I feel like a kid who is wants to have the biggest temper tantrum of screaming and kicking while laying on the ground when I just can’t manage to do the stuff I really want to do. Although I don’t lay on the ground and pound my fists (might actually be good therapy:), Sometimes I will have a little cry or pout.

Today for example, I went to my mediation group in the morning. This was a good way to embrace the day. Especially as a single person on a Sunday morning:) Yet, I would have loved to go snowshoeing on the mountain this afternoon because the weather is perfect. I am too tired to do that and then because I have a social function tonight that I want to ride my bike to, I feel it would be unwise to push myself to do all three things.

Although many people enjoy being as active as I do, the reality is doing three activties in one day would be too much for many people to do or want to do.

In the past, I’m sure I sometimes pushed myself hard long before MS came to visit me. So slowing down alittle now that I am 46 is not an unrealistic thing at all. It’s just that I wish I could choose to not do something out of common sense vs. fatigue as the result of MS. This is what pisses me off.
I would suspect over time this will be less of a charged issue for me but right now in the present it really sucks.

When I get into that place of how much it sucks I do my best to remind myself that I am very able bodied. I can walk, ride my bike (which bring me great joy), and snowshoe. These are all really fantastic things.

On that note – time to have a little laydown so I can recharge my better and fully embrace the rest of my day.

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