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I choose to be shellfish, I mean I choose selfish

February 18, 2012

Dr. Gabor Mate has written a number of insightful books including one call “When the Body Says No.”  There is a chapter on MS. It is very interesting as Dr. Mate speaks about his female patients with MS. The common thread is these women where under a great deal of stress. He believe stress is a major cause of MS. In the case of most of these women, they were in and had been in emotionally abusive relationships by the time they were diagnosed.

I wonder how many women this is true for. I know that by the time I was diagnosed with MS, I was overworked doing stuff in my business and had come out of a very difficult 14 year relationship three years two  years prior. I don’t want to focus on the relationship because there was good in it. It was by path and I take full responsiblity for being there.

What I started to realize was how much of a caretaker I was  and am. Even though I tried in my next relationship to focus on myself more, express my needs and set boundaries, I still sucked at it, however there was a marked improvement and as a result, the love and care I received met my needs much better than the previous 14 year relationship.

When I came out of denial about my diagnoses, I realized I was falling apart emotionally and physically. It was a struggle to work, do laundry, clean and cook. I was starting to feel anry and resentful at my partner who lived with me part-time because I didn’t know I was in denial or messed up. So I ended the relationship.

Althought this has been difficult, I knew that if I didn’t end it, I would not have a chance to truely focus just on me. At the time I felt it would take more energy to have a partner than it would to take care of myself and my aging dog. Whether that is true or not that was my truth at the time.

Since then, I have chosen to be single – more on that another time. I realized I needed to fine myself and function at my own pace. I didn’t have it in my to give. I equate it to a pendulum. When I was in caretake mode, the pendulum as to the far right at 3 pm. My goal is to get it to the far left at 9 pm. Then once I have gotten to a really great place of self care I aim to bring it down to 6 pm. At that point, I feel I will be ready to step back into the world of dating and finding a partner that is suitable for me.

 

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